Courage, Faith and Love.

16 04 2011

This week has been a rough week to say the least. The emotions experienced these past few days have left me undeniably raw. The surprise and elation from the current pregnancy were immensely gratifying. We were finally on our way to baby number 4. Finally on our way to ending this chapter of our lives. To fill our house with 4 beautiful children was underway.  No more diapers after this baby. How could anyone ask for more?

It seems that this one is not to be. It seems after so many attempts, we have experienced another fatal blow. This wonderful surprise baby is endangering both of our lives. Instead of the placenta attaching to the uterine wall, it is attached to both my bladder and the scar tissue from previous births.  The placenta has become  like a cancer cell; growing out of control. By  the grace of God,  if we make it to 34 weeks without hemorrhaging, I would face a hysterectomy and the baby would be fighting for its life. The decision was not hard to make. I knew it instantly. We have to terminate the pregnancy. I wish to see my daughter walk down the isle with her father; this is my kudos moment as my father was not in my life. I wish to meet the future women that will be the focus of my boys love;To see the grandchildren that come about.

Each one of our children is a blessing. I know this. 2 miscarriages before Shane, I learned I have low progesterone. Larkin was a set of twins. Following him was another set of twins that were ectopic. It was after the first chemo shot we realized that I had a viable pregnancy as well. I needed another chemo shot to clear out the ectopic. Once my system was stable, we tried again. 2 more losses were experienced. We rested.

After a few months we were surprised to encounter another baby. Life was good. We were enjoying our two boys and felt as though the timing was right. Sept 10 ,2008 I went into my ultrasound and saw no heart beat. By this time, I was a pro at reading Ultrasounds. Words could not describe the disappointment.  The entire office heard my sobbing. It was uncontrollable.  6 months in the womb and the cord silenced this innocents heartbeat. The snap of a fingers and life stopped. Jeff was on his way  to Iraq for his third deployment with a 6 week extension. I was left to pick up the pieces by myself. Would this pain ever end?

9 months into a 15 month deployment, he came home and unknown to all we became pregnant with Darbylynne. Brendan’s death served a greater purpose. We learned I had a blood clotting disorder. Darby would not have made it without this knowledge. Progesterone shots once a week and Levonox shots twice a day in the stomach. It was the best pregnancy so far.  A few months after Darby’s birth we became pregnant again, only to miscarry.  Our house and it’s foundation were the cause of this.Tthe stress of this situation took its toll. It read like and American Express commercial. Brand new home:167k. Cost of Foundation:30k. The knowledge the builder cut corners:priceless.

At this point, I was having issues with my cycle. The words endometiosis came up. A frank discussion with my doc as to my age, and number of C-sections and how it could affect my body and quite possibly another birth. I was not ready to call it quits. I was going to get on the pill and just wait till graduate school was done. Give the ole body a rest. But then a surprise! Another baby on the way!

Many people have commented over the years on  why we do not call it quits. Most of the comments come from loved ones and family. How do you make someone understand what you just know in your heart to be true? God gives us each gifts. He has blessed me with several, one of which is the discernment. I dreamed of my hubby growing up. I dreamed of Jeff for almost 2 years. When I met him, the rockets went off and I knew I was home. There are other examples but too many to list.  I saw each child before they were born in a dream. As He formed them, he honored me with His grace and love by sharing them to me. Amazing! Humbling. Awe inspiring.

How do you deal with the hurt? One day at a time. How do you keep going? With His grace. Why don’t you just stop? Because He has not lead me there. Plain and simple. Yet sometimes the most simple things can barely be grasped. It hurt to feel each disappointment. It hurt more, to see the looks in the eyes of loved ones.  They pitied me. They did not understand why I was fighting what appeared and up hill battle without His support.

The surgery is Monday 7am. I do not know what is going to happen. I am scared. For the first time, my world has been knocked off its axis.I am afraid that the worst will happen. I will loose my uterus. This would be the final answer. This would be His doing.  If this were to happen would I choose to walk away from Him? No. Fervently NO! If this were to happen, I would feel a sense of loss. I would feel a shortage in our family.

If I do not loose my uterus will I try again? For the first time, I do not know. I am almost 41. I am in graduate school. I really feel and empty chair at our table. I feel an empty place in our family.I want another, but I am not going to close that door just yet. Am I crazy? Maybe. Sometimes you have to be a little crazy and bit tenacious. We must hold to our dreams and our promises from Him.

Do we adopt? I am not sure, given our age we may not  be allowed.

Do we look for a surrogate? Doors may be provided. So many people do not have any children so I am not sure I would feel right even asking.

What do we do now? We take it one day at a time. We leave it to Him.

Courage is doing what is right no matter what. Faith is knowing He will provide us what we need.  Love is what binds us to Him and to our family. I am going to love my family one day at a time. I am going to remain in Faith that he will provide our forth family member. I am going to have the courage to accept what is right for my body.

Walk in the light….





4 responses

17 04 2011

My husband and I will be remembering you to the Lord on Monday and keeping you in our hearts. Is your husband stateside or are you facing this alone?

Nobody no matter how well meaning can know your path except you, God, and your husband. Dont become disheartened by the advice of others. Its your path, your faith, and your walk. ,sara

3 02 2013
Ramblings of a military spouse....

I just saw this comment today! I am so unfamiliar with this blog stuff. Please forgive me for responding so untimely. You are right, it is my path. It has taken me all these months to realize that I need to do what He tells me to do and not be so concerned with anyone else’s opinion other than Him, and my hubby. Thanks so much for posting. Jeff is in Kuwait. He should be home in a few months. We are over the half way point, but some days, it is just so overwhelming. I try to give it baby steps as this is all I can do! See you in your thread.. or mine!

17 04 2011

My dear, strong Michelle…you face this particular segment of your life’s journey with such courage and grace. You inspire even through your own pain, worry, and fear. Your faith is tremendous. Still, I hope the love and support you receive from your friends and family will help bolster your spirits. Your tenacity is steadfast, both in your love of Him and in your belief in His way for you. In truth, that is what will carry you though.

My prayers are with you, Jeff, Shane, Larkin, and Darbylynne.


17 04 2011
Corrine Loyola

Just know that I will cry with you, pray with you, laugh with you, walk with you, hope with you, and love you and your family, until the Lord calls us home.


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