Uncomfortable with Heavenly Father.

30 01 2013

The past few weeks have grown increasingly uncomfortable for everyone in my family. When mom is not happy ;the whole house is not happy.  As a family, we moved into homeschooling with the onset of Jeff’s 4th deployment and the holidays. What was Heavenly Father thinking? I was  not sure…. Couple that with money stress and I have been the proverbial chicken with her head cut off! Not a fun place to be.  I managed to hit a pole with my car, replace 4 tires from 4 nails, participate in a stove fire,  lock myself out of my car, lock myself out of my home, and then came all the sickness. Some daily functions were affected so much by my insanity,  I would forget why I even was sitting in the Bi-Lo parking lot. Ever been that crazy?  Ever been so stressed you forget why you were even at the store? Fun times!

I wish someone would have taught me that being uncomfortable is okay; that it is not necessary to fix my uncomfortable situation immediately. I wish someone would have told me that we all get uncomfortable with our lives and sometimes we just have to muddle through it. Nobody ever did that.   Society certainly does not help either! We can get a pill for this, a shot for that.. find food immediately. I wish someone would have said that I am not alone when things are uncomfortable and hard to even manage. Being uncomfortable, not being able to pay bills, to not even know where the next meal will come from can seem so hopeless and emotionally draining.   Neither parent ever did this though. They never taught me how to budget, let alone be responsible with my money. This was an acquired trait that needed to be taught to my hubby as well. My parents just fed into the frenzy. Took me to the doctors for this and that, took me to the store for whatever I wanted. They never considered the consequences of their parenting. They gave me what I wanted and not necessarily what I needed.  I have struggled my whole life with different periods of  uncomfortableness. This last one was the tops and I am quite all right with not repeating that again!

This time it was different though. For years, I worked on my self-esteem.  For years, I spent time in therapy finding the root cause of my low self-esteem and  cause of my depression.  Taking the time to get to know you is so important. We all become so entrenched with every day life we forget the two things we need to know every day. We need to know Heavenly Father and we need to know ourselves. We get so darn busy with our to do list, we forget to be mindful of our relationship with Heavenly Father and the relationship we have with ourselves! Do you know your boundaries in relationships? Do you know when you need a time out and just need to stop the craziness of life? Do you take time to eat well and work on your body? Do you work too much in day? Just as you find a physical balance in your day You must also find spiritual balance within in yourself. In order to do this, you need to know you and you need a relationship with Heavenly Father.  You can fix yourself with Heavenly Fathers guidance. The realization that I can be uncomfortable in some parts of my daily walk with Heavenly Father  and yet still function is a new concept. Sometimes He just wants us to allow Him to guide us. Sometimes.. we have to sit very close to Him. Sometimes we have to snuggle with Him just to show we are able and willing to listen to His Spirit.  I never visualized it or asked for His help until I listened to His Spirit. Heavenly Father reminds us in so many ways that we are able to manage any situation through His strength. All we have to do is ask. Bend a knee; just ask for His Holy Spirit to come down and give us strength. We are hindered and distracted though by so many things; our lives, our children, our jobs, our obligations.  The spiritual war taking place is about how many souls know HIM. It is about how many souls Love one another in their daily walk and use the Light of Him that shines in us, to gather others to Him.. Unfortunately this is not happening today for everyone.. probably not even for a large portion of people everywhere. We are very much like the Hebrews of the days of old. Aimlessly wandering in the desert of life, with no direction or inspiration and even hope. He holds the hope though.. and He is the Light.

As a family we made through the dark times of my husbands 4th deployment. We have stood together in prayer an  in tears as a family.The phone and the written word have been our families life line.  This was one of the major differences from the previous three. I had Heavenly Father to guide me, I bent a knee and I kept my children close. But the other part of this was my husbands willingness to bend a knee as well. For 1o years, I was lost in my own marriage. My hubby was too. For 10  years, I had my foot out the door. The last three were even more difficult. I committed to staying in relationship even when my husband was not following Heavenly Father. HE told me too. How is that for a lesson in patience? Not the one I expected when I prayed for it! Not the one at all!  Since we moved into this house, Father placed it on my heart to follow Him. To be a Light in the darkness. What I did not understand for some time, was I was the Light for my husband.. and for my family. I see this now, looking back. I am sure there is much more that happened that I did not understand. Gracefully He has shared some of those moments with me. Why was this so tough though?  Teach a child the way and they shall not depart from it…..  I never had parents who knew how to love others as we are to love one another.  I never had parents who loved Heavenly Father or sought out his love either.

Just last night I had a wicked cry. I needed to cry. I needed to get rid of the sadness from last year.. the time Jeff  left  seemed even more difficult than loosing Brendan, my still-born son. I had so much on my plate. I was scared. I was afraid. I was afraid I would fail at everything including the task of educating my children. The fear of failure can be so great and so debilitating at times. But to pull through, you have to rely on Him. You must bend a knee; we must choose let His grace abundantly overwhelm us. Just as the other side overwhelms us day by day, we need to choose to let His Love abundantly overwhelm our lives moment by moment, day by day and year by year. It is a choice. Do not think it isn’t! What that means for each of us is hard to discern. I do not know what your journey will look like. But when you walk in Light, as He is in the Light, when you prayerfully go to him in all things. He will make that clear. This I know. Take the time today to bend a knee. Take the first step in a new journey with Him. I did.

My prayer for you this day: Heavenly father, I pray this child of yours bends a knee and asks to be a Light in the Darkness. I pray they follow you this day and the rest of their lives.    Amen






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