Beautiful relationships….

5 01 2014

It has been a long battle. I fought it with my mother; fought her unwillingness to reach out and touch me when it mattered the most. Then  I fought it within my own heart. The willingness to serve my daughter in a manner in which I was not served by my very own mother.  Today was the day, the day I  broke free from my anxiety. Today was the day my heart soared for the beautiful possibilities that lay  ahead  for both my daughter and I.  We have the potential to soar and be closer than I ever was with my own mother.  We have the opportunity through homeschooling to accomplish a level of closeness and intimacy that I could only pine for with my own mother for many many years. For the past year, I have agonized and prayed over when to home school my daughter. Why? Because I learned slowly that homeschooling a child, let alone three is not for the faint hearted. When you home school, you never have a moment alone and your life is not your own anymore. When you home school you change every aspect of how you run your family. This can be so overwhelming for anyone, but add another layer of not understanding how to be a loving, caring mother and good intentions will not be enough to get anyone through the challenges of homeschooling.  I never had an example of what that should look like; how to be loving, caring and unselfish.  We learn by our examples. I never experienced it. I had a deficit going into motherhood. I knew what I experienced as a child was pretty messed up.  I desired to be better. I knew I never really understood or enjoyed my moms company. I  never really spent any quality time with her either. Quality time for her was in front of the TV or playing by myself. The real meaning of motherhood was lost on me.

Grace, forgiveness and hope are the new parameters of  my mother and I’s relationship. Forgiveness for all “those transgressions” I encountered while under the care of her and my step father. Grace to see her for child of Heavenly Father  and accept her for where she is at spiritually as well as emotionally; a hurt being from a long list of painful ugly relationships. Hope that even if she does not think she is worthy of His love, she is and will know it someday. Hope that she  too will feel the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father through the relationships of her loved ones and friends.

Beautiful possibilities...

Beautiful possibilities…

This past holiday season I observed two sweet and long time friends loose their mothers. Ironically, they were both stricken with breast cancer. Their tenacity and drive to outlive their diagnosis did not go unnoticed.  They lived life large and in a manner that glorified Heavenly Father. Their love also knew no bounds.

Rene moved mountains to care for her mother. Lisa drove miles to ensure care was received. Healing occurred for both women. Time seemed to move slowly and death was at bay. But time only alludes us of deaths presence.  When Reetha and Sarah did move on, each of their daughters took an immense amount of comfort in knowing that their mothers walked with Heavenly Father once their bodies gave out. Each of my friends knew that they would see their mothers when their time was oncoming.  My friend Heather, in all her graciousness, provided  a wonderful example of how the hope of daughter could actually save a mother. Heather came into my life with a bang and a blessing months before these beautiful women passed. She shared her story with me and it moved me………

Forgiveness heals. Forgiveness gets rid of the spiritual cancer in the victims heart.

I have not talked to my mother for two and half years.  I had to walk away because of the toxicity her and I created in our relationship. It is unhealthy to say the least. Until I could forgive her and move on, it was truly hopeless. But with Him, all things are possibly. With him the mountains crumbled and I learned to forgive.

What struck my heart so boldly the other day was how much I ached for my mothers salvation. After hearing both Lisa and Rene talk about their mothers salvations I hurt for my mother. How much I felt a desire to share my fears with her of her salvation, or lack thereof. If I were a betting woman, I would bet that she still does not know our Heavenly Father at all. My step father ruined her. He trampled on her heart, the little bit that was left after a life of pain from growing up in  foster home after foster home was gone. Being the child of a madam in a whore house did nothing to help her self esteem either. Having a drunk for a father was another important relationship that shaped all successive relationships from then on in her life.

I never really looked at my mother. I never saw her for the hurt being she had become.

Then I forgave her.

I see her now. I see her in my daughter; my beautiful baby girl within whom I have been given beautiful possibilities to forge a strong relationship based on a  foundation of love.

I am not my mother.  I am a child of the one true King. I am daughter of Lord God Jehovah,  who has been given me an opportunity to love a little girl in a manner worthy of a child of Jesus. I am given the opportunity to reach out and love a child in a manner that I was never loved. How my heart soars! How my Heart celebrates in this joy!

I never thought I was capable of loving her so much. I never knew loving her would redefine my character. I never knew loving her and my sons would save me!  I never knew that loving her would finally show  my heart that there is hope for my mother and I.

Oh how my heart fills with joy in the possibilities of both of these relationships! How freeing it is to know that I am not like her! How awesome it is that I may not know how to be a loving parent, but my Heavenly Father has imbued within my heart the tools necessary to do so. I just need to walk with Him on this journey. I just need to take a chance and reach for her hand.

When I see my daughter,  I do not see a little me anymore. I see a smaller version of my mother waiting for me to love her wholly and without reservation.

Lisa and Rene, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart grieves on a level I can’t adequately describe in words for the two of you. I am so grateful you were able to experience the true love between a mother and daughter. You honored your mothers and modeled how to love your mother in a manner I have never witnessed. I shed my fear, because of your leadership. I shed my fear because of all four women.

Thank you!

Sarah and Reatha your presence is sorely missed. Thank you for loving your daughters completely and without reservation. You gave me the example I sorely needed.

I will see you when it is my time.





2 responses

5 01 2014

I can relate to you on so many levels. When I was only 3 years old my mother committed suicide by means of,” a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.” Only later did I discover that it was due to years of physical and mental abuse by my father as well as a death sentence by a failing liver from alcoholism. My step mother moved into my life when I was 5 and it was clear that my brother and I were not welcome into her new marriage with our father. Years of mental and physical abuse drove my brother to run away after only a few years. ( he is 7 years older then myself) Both my step mother and my father were alcoholics and into drugs. Mainly pot but as the years went on heavier drugs came into my house to include coke. When my brother was no longer around to take on the role of punching bag, I assumed the role. Until I was 15 years old, I endured years of physical abuse, mental abuse and hopelessness. I would pray out to The Lord and ask to be saved from the horrors I was enduring but felt he was only ignoring me. I got no answers for years and gave up. I was placed into foster care and bounced around from home to home before finally finding,”my” foster family. Long story short. I didn’t know how to love, trust, or show forgiveness. I was broken and battered. When I became a mother I made a commitment that my daughter would never know her grandfather and definitely never know her step mother. As my career in Corrections progressed for the state on Nevada I received a phone call from my foster mother one night to inform me my step mother wanted to get in touch with me and that her and my father wanted to, “make amends.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that and informed my foster mom to have them contact me through e-mail first. A few days later I got off work at 4:00am and arrived home and after a few hours of sleep was awoke by phone call from a county coroner asking my to come identify a body. Mind you, I lived in NV and call came from OH. This started the next two years of court trials attempting to convict my step mother of murdering my father. She shot him once in the face and once directly in the heart and another time in his chest as he stood on the stair landing of their country house attempting to get a shower after getting off 3rd shift from GM. He was holding a pair of slippers and clean clothes in his hand. Her reasoning for doing this is because he wanted a divorce and she didn’t. We finally got a conviction after 3 hung juries…13 years with a weapons enhancement charge. She gets out next year! After his funeral, I sat by his graveside and talked for a long time and gave him my forgiveness for all he had done to me and my mother. I knew this was the only way I could move on with my life. I just couldn’t harbor all that pain any longer.
I struggled for years on how to love my daughter. I wanted to be the mother I never had and knew I never wanted to be my step mother. I struggled with spanking because I was so afraid to fall Into a cycle of physical abuse. I never spanked her but I was really hard on her in other areas. I pushed her really hard in life. To this day I struggle with loving my children. I sometimes think I love them to much…lol making up for the love I missed out on as a child. I still don’t spank but I do yell… Sometimes more then I am comfortable with. I attribute this to not having positive parental role models and for both my parents being deceased. I have no parents to call and talk to or ask advice from. So my goal in life is to be everything to my kids that I never had as a child or as a parent raising them. I am breaking the cycle. It’s not easy but I will succeed. I look at Haven and know I didn’t hug her enough or tell her how much I love her. I always figured she just knew. Now I make sure to yell it out the car door when I drop her off at school! I am really looking forward to home schooling the younger three kids and how it will bring us closer together. Everyday I snuggle my kids, I love on them, I tell them over and over how much I love them and fill their hearts with positive affirmations. But most of all my husband and I fill their hearts the Lords love. I know know that the struggles I endured as a child was The Lord teaching me to be better and how not to repeat their mistakes. I am a better person then them and the Lord has not abandoned me or my family. He has made us stronger!

5 01 2014
Ramblings of a military spouse....

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I knew Heavenly Father placed you my life for a reason; to show my heart I am not alone in my struggle. Relationships are challenging. They can be difficult and a lot of work, but the rewards out weigh the ugliness. To really get someone, to love them for who they are and where they are at, is a path that is worth the struggle. I felt so elated! I feel such a sense of hope now. My prayer for you is to not give up trying to be who are meant to be, and not become what your circumstances dictated. My prayer is you keep your eye on the prize and treasure those moments which each of your babies. Look out , this is wild ride we are on…but man is it worth it!

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