Womb Woes

6 02 2015

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe….

3 beautiful children.

Shane, Larkin and Darbylynne are gifts from my Heavenly Father for me to nurture and love.

Then why am I so determined to have another baby? Why can’t I be at peace where I am? What gives…

We recently discovered we are pregnant again. Not even 24 hours into this beautiful moment and I am spotting.  Last fall we miscarried twins.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe……

Admittedly, with each failed pregnancy a little bit of my hope dies… I feel a loss and sadness words just can’t adequately express. So why do I keep pressing on?

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe….

I stopped praying for anymore children this past year. After 14 failed pregnancies including and ectopic pregnancy, stillborn and some other freak anomalies…I just stopped. I think the reason was two-fold. One, the look on my doctors face. It was a look I had never seen before. I look of pity, sadness and bewilderment.  Two, I just don’t know the next step; uncomfortably numb would be the perfect label of my current status.

My doctor was always in my corner. Until last year. It hurt to see her face as I walked away.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe…..

My soul aches for another.  My husband and I feel incomplete. My friend Lori, who is the epitome of wisdom in times like these, reminded me that this is my journey and I need to walk it which ever way it lays out.   She is truly a gem that Lori. Always supportive and never critical.  I just wish I understood why my journey has to look like this. I wish I understood the soul aching drive to not give up. Why on earth would  I elect to keep on going? Am I stubborn? Hard headed? Well, yes, have you not spent any time with me? But I suspect there is more here than that…..is this a test of faith?

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe…

I wish I could  just say, “I’m done” and that be it!  But I can’t. Both my husband and I have tried to elect surgery and each time we receive and resounding, “No!” .

I spotted with my daughter Darbylynne. I had a cycle for two months. I was a bit overwhelmed and shocked I even became pregnant with her after losing my son Brendan.  He was stillborn at 7 months. We did conceive again though midterm through my hubbys deployment. She transformed our marriage and our family. Transformed it into His family. His Light in the darkness.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe…..

I suspected something was up this last week. Heartburn, tiredness beyond compare. You know,  the tiredness that shuts you down immediately.  Lights out before bed time!  Of course my chest was sore too and then there was my cat Mae Mae. She loves my belly when I am pregnant. Her claim was the final tip that sunk the iceberg. I took three tests. The last one was positive.

So instead of hiding the news, I told some of our friends.  I asked them for prayer too. We need prayer. Too many losses; for us not to ask would be a travesty.  We also decided to tell the kids again.

So often I have heard from friends to wait. We believe we need to celebrate the life inside us each and every time. We shortchange its value in our family, if we don’t tell them.

Hope… this is what it is about. Prayer begets hope and hope is a waxing right now. Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe?

The only difference between now and the other times is I am talking to the baby. Telling to it about its brothers and sister. Corny. Definitely. Time is precious though. There is worry in my heart over whether or not this one will make it. I don’t want that to be the only feelings it gets from me.

So to combat worry, I talk to the baby.  At the very least, the baby will feel the love we have for him or her.   They will know that Shane would love to have read and snuggle with him or her.  Making him or her aware of how much Larkin can’t wait to wrestle and play cars and take them on a bike ride warms my heart.   Letting them know how Darby eagerly awaits to practice her mommy skills on them too, just brings me joy. It is all I have right now. Other than prayer.

So we will celebrate the life inside and the lives we are committed to today.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe… this is my prayer for today. 

Blessings,

~m

 

Advertisements




Another miscarriage.

25 05 2014

It happened again. This time I had the honor of no notice; no warning signs at all. I went right into labor for almost 7 hours Monday night. It continued for the next few days until I had a DNC.

I do not want your pity, nor do I wish any sad looks in my general direction. Because I am afraid of that,  I am actually scared to show my head in church tomorrow. Why? I mean how silly to not want to go to church because I miscarried again. Reason being, with every look of pity, I am reminded of the loss that I experienced. I will see it in other peoples eyes. How do I combat that? With every “I  am so sorry”, I am reminded how much my faith is challenged each time it happens.

I am not angry. I am grateful for the time I had with my little ones. Even at 2 months the body changes. With twins it changes even more. I gained 15 pounds. I tried so hard not buy any maternity clothes. I finally broke down the week before because my bras were actually so tight they were hurting my back. But Heavenly Father has reasons for everything and it was time for them to go home. The last time it felt this bad was when I lost Brendan at 7 months. Heavenly Father may have not stepped in and stopped it but the blessings on the other side were tremendous. It took awhile but we had Darbylynne. I finally had my girl.

Another challenging part to all this is acknowledging my birthday. I am 44 today. We have been trying for 12 years to complete our family. One more. Just one more.This is where our mindset has been for a few years…. But for the first time, I am not sure I want to try any more. I will pray on this, but not yet. I am just too numb to do it right now.

It feels incomplete when we sit at the table. We are one short. Our family is just too small. Maybe it is time to consider adoption….This is the best way to describe why we kept trying.

But I am not sure we will try any more. Plans are in motion for my hubby to get fixed. Prayer is the focal point right now.. at least it should be.. but I just can’t go there yet. I can’t ask for His wisdom right now because my heart aches for the children we have lost since we started.