Confessions of a narcissist.

19 01 2015

Redemption comes in the most unlikely of places.  Mine came by way of my three children  Shane, Larkin, and Darbylynne. I met the man of my dreams, almost lost him, and then found Heavenly Father. Through that journey, I learned that being a mother is one of life’s richest blessings, not a curse or a bother.  To my horror, I learned I was exhibiting some narcissistic traits, just like my parents. My children saved me from a life of heartache.  They are my redemption.

Narcissim. One of the most painful personality disorders to be exposed to as a child, can be hard to crawl out of as an adult.  After all, your most import relationships after birth are with your parents.  But what do you do when both your parents are narcissists? Head into counseling and give it time. Pray for your heart to forgive and allow the feelings you work through the validation they need to heal.

My children inspired me to change. They taught me a different way to exist.

Before you can heal, you need to know what exactly you are dealing with. You need to understand it and how to combat it.

Want a really good idea of how a narcissist behaves, research it on these two websites:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html

Combat it with this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

 

If your feeling adventurous, buy  the work book. This is not for the faint hearted. Be ready to do some serious soul-searching.

 

After reading these websites, I mourned my childhood. For three days, I  was depressed and in shock.   I cried. I wept.  I changed.

For the first time in years, my husband and I  had an honest and loving conversation about all the things I experienced growing up. For the first time, we discussed some concerns we both had about my behavior. In this heart-wrenching conversation, I realized how selfish I was with my time, my energy and my love. A rude awakening indeed, but growth is never ever easy.

I morphed into something much better though; despite the hurt feelings and difficult conversation that was needed. I was allowed the freedom to express my anger and hurt and so was he. My best friend comforted me as well. I no longer owned the hurt child from long ago. I broke free from those chains. She still exists but she is free from the bondage of them. Free to feel loved and free to authentically love others.  I could not have done it with out her either.

I had no boundaries what so ever, which of course is one of the biggest signs of adults who have been abused. Children of these parents never learn any boundaries. Everything they do is an extension of their parents.  Every failure, every success, nothing in our skin belongs to us. I saw things in other friendships that I had to fix too, instead of fixing myself. Classic-denial. Critical in every fashion, controlling in every venue too. Two character traits I owned.   I used my happiness with them as a barometer of how much I loved them…..Exactly what a supportive, loving parent should never do to their children!  I cringe when I think back at my early days of motherhood. It took the love of a man and the courage from my Heavenly Father for me to really see what was going on in our house.

Never again. It stops with me. These were the words I spoke to myself when I was growing up. These were the words the dictated my life.

Therapy took on a new direction. Now I had to rewrite the tapes inside my head. Now I had to tweak me!

 

Shane, Larkin and Darbylynne are worth every bit of my energy and time. They are worth every moment in therapy. They are worth every extra effort I need to make, because they were the gifts given to me by my Heavenly Father. I will be held accountable as to their treatment when I look St. Peter in the eye upon my death. How can I do anything less than change the things that hurt and damaged me? If I don’t, they could to hurt and damage them!  Children inherently require time and diligence, because they are  so needy! They are too young to navigate the world without our assistance. They need our gentle, loving hand for guidance. They need us to point the way to our Heavenly Father. At some point, they will require our love and reassurance as they step out into the brave new world laid out before them. How do they do this with selfish, controlling, manipulative parents? How do they do this when they have parents who have never healed or dealt with their issues?  They can’t. It is that simple. They won’t succeed in pretty much anything either. Children of narcissist parents typically don’t even realize how much they are lacking in boundaries, social skills, healthy relationships, and genuine love. Some never have a clue as to why life is so hard and so demanding. Some stay stuck in their own private hell, wondering if they can ever get off the abusive train of narcism. They are conditioned to think they are crazy and they wonder if everyone that comes into their lives will be just as cruel as their parents.  I know this. I lived it daily.

Most victims are unable to recognize the abusive tendencies of this mental disorder, let alone in their own parents.They also fail to see how this mental disorder breeds more narcissistic people, including themselves. They also can’t seem to get away from these people either. Why?  Because those who are victims of narcism are marked. Combine that with lack of knowledge of narcism and it is perfect-storm.  Narcissistic personalities, by their very nature, can spot a person who fits their victim profile.  I know this first hand. When I finally understood what narcissism was and how it affected my life, I quickly said no to those type of people.  I learned boundaries.  For a narcissistic personality, it is all about manipulating another human being, getting ahead, serving the self.  It is about control.

Words are powerful weapons for these types of people. They tweak them and change them to fit their agenda. But there is hope. One extremely powerful word stops it all! You have this word in your arsenal!

No!

Learn to use it. Breath it in and just say it.

No!

This is the best weapon.  Learn to place boundaries up, not just for you, but for your loved ones too.  I take it as a personal challenge to teach my children boundaries now.  They are learning what healthy relationships look like and they are learning how to combat unhealthy ones as well. If I don’t teach them, who will?

No longer will I take the burden of my parents and carry it as my own. No longer will I be the all-encompassing person to make them happy. They have their crosses to bear as I have mine. I have three beautiful children. I refuse to squander this opportunity with them to enable either of them to not grow up and learn from their mistakes. Life is too short. I have learned from my mistakes, I have owned them  and it is time they owned them too.

Redemption; it is found in the most unlikely of places. My children saved me from my parents. My children saved me from myself. My children showed me how save them.

Thanks be to God!

 

~m

Dedicated to Larr. Thanks for the kick in the butt!

 

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