Confessions of a narcissist.

19 01 2015

Redemption comes in the most unlikely of places.  Mine came by way of my three children  Shane, Larkin, and Darbylynne. I met the man of my dreams, almost lost him, and then found Heavenly Father. Through that journey, I learned that being a mother is one of life’s richest blessings, not a curse or a bother.  To my horror, I learned I was exhibiting some narcissistic traits, just like my parents. My children saved me from a life of heartache.  They are my redemption.

Narcissim. One of the most painful personality disorders to be exposed to as a child, can be hard to crawl out of as an adult.  After all, your most import relationships after birth are with your parents.  But what do you do when both your parents are narcissists? Head into counseling and give it time. Pray for your heart to forgive and allow the feelings you work through the validation they need to heal.

My children inspired me to change. They taught me a different way to exist.

Before you can heal, you need to know what exactly you are dealing with. You need to understand it and how to combat it.

Want a really good idea of how a narcissist behaves, research it on these two websites:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html

Combat it with this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

 

If your feeling adventurous, buy  the work book. This is not for the faint hearted. Be ready to do some serious soul-searching.

 

After reading these websites, I mourned my childhood. For three days, I  was depressed and in shock.   I cried. I wept.  I changed.

For the first time in years, my husband and I  had an honest and loving conversation about all the things I experienced growing up. For the first time, we discussed some concerns we both had about my behavior. In this heart-wrenching conversation, I realized how selfish I was with my time, my energy and my love. A rude awakening indeed, but growth is never ever easy.

I morphed into something much better though; despite the hurt feelings and difficult conversation that was needed. I was allowed the freedom to express my anger and hurt and so was he. My best friend comforted me as well. I no longer owned the hurt child from long ago. I broke free from those chains. She still exists but she is free from the bondage of them. Free to feel loved and free to authentically love others.  I could not have done it with out her either.

I had no boundaries what so ever, which of course is one of the biggest signs of adults who have been abused. Children of these parents never learn any boundaries. Everything they do is an extension of their parents.  Every failure, every success, nothing in our skin belongs to us. I saw things in other friendships that I had to fix too, instead of fixing myself. Classic-denial. Critical in every fashion, controlling in every venue too. Two character traits I owned.   I used my happiness with them as a barometer of how much I loved them…..Exactly what a supportive, loving parent should never do to their children!  I cringe when I think back at my early days of motherhood. It took the love of a man and the courage from my Heavenly Father for me to really see what was going on in our house.

Never again. It stops with me. These were the words I spoke to myself when I was growing up. These were the words the dictated my life.

Therapy took on a new direction. Now I had to rewrite the tapes inside my head. Now I had to tweak me!

 

Shane, Larkin and Darbylynne are worth every bit of my energy and time. They are worth every moment in therapy. They are worth every extra effort I need to make, because they were the gifts given to me by my Heavenly Father. I will be held accountable as to their treatment when I look St. Peter in the eye upon my death. How can I do anything less than change the things that hurt and damaged me? If I don’t, they could to hurt and damage them!  Children inherently require time and diligence, because they are  so needy! They are too young to navigate the world without our assistance. They need our gentle, loving hand for guidance. They need us to point the way to our Heavenly Father. At some point, they will require our love and reassurance as they step out into the brave new world laid out before them. How do they do this with selfish, controlling, manipulative parents? How do they do this when they have parents who have never healed or dealt with their issues?  They can’t. It is that simple. They won’t succeed in pretty much anything either. Children of narcissist parents typically don’t even realize how much they are lacking in boundaries, social skills, healthy relationships, and genuine love. Some never have a clue as to why life is so hard and so demanding. Some stay stuck in their own private hell, wondering if they can ever get off the abusive train of narcism. They are conditioned to think they are crazy and they wonder if everyone that comes into their lives will be just as cruel as their parents.  I know this. I lived it daily.

Most victims are unable to recognize the abusive tendencies of this mental disorder, let alone in their own parents.They also fail to see how this mental disorder breeds more narcissistic people, including themselves. They also can’t seem to get away from these people either. Why?  Because those who are victims of narcism are marked. Combine that with lack of knowledge of narcism and it is perfect-storm.  Narcissistic personalities, by their very nature, can spot a person who fits their victim profile.  I know this first hand. When I finally understood what narcissism was and how it affected my life, I quickly said no to those type of people.  I learned boundaries.  For a narcissistic personality, it is all about manipulating another human being, getting ahead, serving the self.  It is about control.

Words are powerful weapons for these types of people. They tweak them and change them to fit their agenda. But there is hope. One extremely powerful word stops it all! You have this word in your arsenal!

No!

Learn to use it. Breath it in and just say it.

No!

This is the best weapon.  Learn to place boundaries up, not just for you, but for your loved ones too.  I take it as a personal challenge to teach my children boundaries now.  They are learning what healthy relationships look like and they are learning how to combat unhealthy ones as well. If I don’t teach them, who will?

No longer will I take the burden of my parents and carry it as my own. No longer will I be the all-encompassing person to make them happy. They have their crosses to bear as I have mine. I have three beautiful children. I refuse to squander this opportunity with them to enable either of them to not grow up and learn from their mistakes. Life is too short. I have learned from my mistakes, I have owned them  and it is time they owned them too.

Redemption; it is found in the most unlikely of places. My children saved me from my parents. My children saved me from myself. My children showed me how save them.

Thanks be to God!

 

~m

Dedicated to Larr. Thanks for the kick in the butt!

 

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Mindfully spending time…

21 07 2014

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Recently our family ticker has focused on the theme of mindful parenting. For myself, it started a year ago with Heavenly Fathers insistence I become more mindful of who and what I spend my time on. For those of you who are unaware, homeschooling is not all about eating bons-bons throughout the day.  It can be a logistical nightmare if you do not learn how to effectively juggle.  You learn, and I might add very quickly, to juggle housework, schooling, spouse time, and the ever important personal  time to prohibit crazy mom syndrome from appearing,  all while juggling activities for  each childs’ individual needs.  It is not an easy feat.  Through this process, I became extremely  mindful about what we did as a family and as a school.   These lessons came crashing down pretty hard on my hubby all at once when Larkin needed him the other night.

Homeschooling is still new to him as he was on his 4th deployment when we experienced our first year. He missed so many things. During this past week off work, our son Larkin, who is shown in the above picture, broke out into another rash.  So often I submit my tired body to the cause of motherhood and whenever nurturing is needed, I jump in head first. Natural instincts kick in during times of stress. This time was different. My son requested his father’s presence until the medicine kicked in for the hives. He wanted Jeff to sleep with him and snuggle with him. This was new territory for both of us.

My hubby and I were never ones for co-sleeping with our children. I changed when we had Darbylynne.  It went into over drive when Jeff deployed.   I needed her with me because I missed him immensely. She was still small and I was lonely.  Additionally, the kids and I started weekly slumber parties.  Sometimes we would read or play games. Sometimes we would invent stories and often times we would pray together.   Now we are constantly asked if they can sleep with us. We even take turns snuggling with them and sleeping with them  in our bed or theirs.

After Jeff and Larkin’s boys night,  my hubby realized  how much the boys needed him. He felt it in his heart.  Keep in mind, I have been praying for this realization for Jeff for two years. I have told him repeatedly how much they need him.  He never felt it until now. It never really sunk in how much they loved him and looked up to him until Larkin expressed a need to be with him.  Over the last few days and series of conversations, this realization has evolved into the idea that what we give our children and what they need are two very different things. Sound familiar?

Three years ago we were paying for the best local private school in the area. I was volunteering and doing all the right things for our children; things that we perceived they needed in order to be successful in this world. The one thing we were not doing though, was spending quality time with them. Rushing from activity to activity was keeping us busy, and we were not mindful of what they really needed, which was our time.  By our actions we were telling our children that the things we do were more important than time we spent with them. Homeschooling forced us to be more mindful of whom we associated with; it forced us to examine what morals we wanted installed in their character. It forced us to reexamine every aspect of our parenting. Character become one of two focal points in our homeschooling education program; mindfulness of Heavenly Father was the other.

We are asked to spend time with Heavenly Father daily and weekly in prayer. We are asked to cultivate a relationship with him. Relationships take effort and time.  Doing things for our children is not the same as spending time with them.  It is in spending time with them, we learn about their personalities and we are able to guide them through their lives. Children need guidance from their parents. They need to be shown how to be Christian men and women in a fallen world and that takes effort and mindfulness on the parents part.

So many parents do the right things and forget to spend time. Society suffers because of this. Prison population is on the rise. Gang membership is on the rise. Teen pregnancy is on the rise as well.   So many parents do not have balance within their own lives to even notice the children they have given birth too. They are too worried about paying the bills and doing their job to even realize the gems they have right in front of them. They leave it to the schools, the neighborhood and the church to raise their children. Trickle down economics does not equate with raising children.

I am not boasting that our family way is the best way to accomplish mindful parenting and I certainly not saying that our way is the correct way. But what I want to challenge you to consider  are you spending enough down time outside TV, play dates, schoolwork, doctors appointments, activities and life in general with your children?  My husband had a great father, but he has no memories of spending quality time with him. He has no memories of sharing intimate thoughts or emotions with him either. He was expected to understand what manhood is without intimate guidance from his father, as was I when it came to motherhood.

I do not want this for my children. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I do not know them intimately, know their quirks, their fears or even what makes them laugh. Heavenly Father expects us to be transparent in our relationship with him as well as intimate too. You can’t be intimate with your children if you do not spend time with them, just like you can’t be intimate with Heavenly Father if you do not make time for Him either.

I really close friend of mine is about to lose  her father in law. In talking  with her yesterday and sharing her story with my hubby, all three of us came to some pretty deep conclusions. Our hearts ache for this situation.  This  man, who will be leaving  this world, knew  he fell short with his children. He was given the gift of more time with a  dilapidating disease.  He did nothing with it though. He never moved into a more intimate relationship with either of his sons.  So as his sons go to see him off, he leaves this world knowing he failed them and this causes baggage. Baggage that could potentially keep him from a beautiful life with Heavenly Father; his soul is in pain when it should be a beautiful time to rejoice. My soul grieves for all the loved ones involved here. I am not sure about you, but when I go see my Heavenly Father I would prefer to not leave behind any unfinished business.

My prayer for you today is you become more mindful of your time and who you are spending it with. I pray you find balance in your own life not only as a parent but also with your spouse.  I pray you are more mindful with how you spend time with your children. Lastly,  I pray they become the focus of your life after Heavenly Father.

Be at peace,

~m

 





For whom do I speak?

16 07 2014

Matthew 10:20

For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

I have messed things up. I have hurt people’s feelings. I have spoken with my heart though and relationships are messy. I have loved others as I am called to, even when it makes no sense for the outside looking in. I have made mistakes. I am a sinner.

Living transparently with His guidance is tough. It is not cut out for the faint hearted. But nothing ever worth its salt is ever easy and if we rely on Him He will get us through it. He says so in Psalms 91.

Unfortunately, too many of us hide behind our fears. Heavenly Father wants us to speak and act boldly. He encourages us to follow Him even when it makes no sense, He expects us to act even when we are overwhelmed and not at the top of our game. Sometimes people and their issues happen to get in the way, because relationships are messy!

I have been afraid to blog because of my fear of what others may think. This was a very difficult hurdle for me to cross over, let alone to admit too. To you my dear reader, I owe you an apology. To my Heavenly Father, I ask for forgiveness from straying from the path He placed before . I had a fearful heart. I was afraid to execute. I ask for His and your grace.

You see this past few years,I gave myself so completely and thoroughly to what my Heavenly Father called me to do.. I forgot that an attack from the other side was emmnant; attacked I was too.

One of the things that hinders my journey is my lack of knowledge on how to have healthy relationships. The mistakes I made caught up with during my time of focus hurt my relationships after. My other hindrance, which is low self esteem, was hijacked by the other side on top of that. So I kept hearing accusations whenever I returned to our current church. I kept feeling shame. Other peoples actions just magnified this situation. The other side used this to keep my relationship with Heavenly Father in a state of fear. I was unable to focus on my task at hand because of the noise I was hearing at church. The other side used my unhealthy relationships to make me feel even more unloved, unimportant and unwelcome at a place I used to love and cherish. For a child of narcissistic parents, this state of mind created another level of heartache. Whenever things fail in my life, I go to place where it is always my fault. This is how I was trained. There was never forgiveness from either my parents. It was all about them.

My relationships at church suffered also because of others humanness. The blockades to heavenly father continued to grow. It was just a matter of time before I stopped attending. Many other things played a part in this decision too, but coming out of it, I realize how beautiful my current friendship are now. They are transparent friendships, which led to spiritual growth and also emotional growth. Authenticity leads to transparency and many people today can’t handle authentic, transparent Godly relationships. Stepping away from some unhealthy ones, lead me to develop healthy relationships with boundaries for the very first time!

I have been told what we do in our family is not christian, it is Wiccan. I have been told I am too passionate. I have been told I am too pushy. I have been told that I may not be at the right church by one of our own pastors as well. People I once respected hurt my heart more than I could adequately describe. But I see now, this was not just about me, but also others.

For someone with my family history , these things ate at the very essence of my soul. My shame for the woman I became at this point was doubled while my husband was gone. But I pressed on.

My Native American heritage is mostly unknown to me. But what I do know and practice could be nothing further from anything dark. I know my heart for The Lord is beautiful and radiates. I am His to command. For the first time ever, albeit small, I understand what it like to be discriminated against for my heritage.

Two years was the length of time it took to come to terms with this situation.
Two years but worth every minute.

What I learned from all of this is walk strongly and boldly for Heavenly Father. Transparency, authenticity are the fruits of the spirit we are to share with one another no matter what the rest of the world does. There will be times when you are misunderstood. There will be people who will judge you. Despite your best efforts to be a follower of the great white spirit someone will always judge you. It will hurt. It may tear your soul up for a time too. Don’t give up though. He will be with you and He will love you despite your fears. Remember too that those in church with you are sinners as well. Otherwise they would not be there.

My prayer for you is walk, speak and act boldly every day for Him!

Blessings,
m





Streakin Shearins

20 10 2013

We are so hung up on clothes.  I am raising my children to be nudists.  Just ask my neighbors and my friends.  We bare all as a family.

Jeff had to of known something like this was coming.  It has always been hard for my army man to let go; to just fly like the wind. Raised Baptist, I have floored him a time or two during our relationship. The first time this happened was when he slept over. Yes we were one of those couples that slept in a bed and  did not have sex. My guy is just not that way…now  me on the other hand…..well….let’s just say I am well versed in sexual gratification. I digress  though, as that is a topic for another day.

We were studying late one night and he slept over. Well for those of you that do not know me, I am an exhibitionist and I prefer to sleep naked. Always have and always will. The red on Jeff’s face when I disrobed to sleep that night was well priceless!

Flash forward to a few years, with 3 beautiful children, and he is presented with an amazing opportunity again to be free. Who would have thought his wife would dare him the ultimate dare?  All three children love  the opportunity to be naked… yup… I have had enough time alone with my babies to encourage them to be as free as I am.. My hubby has been deployed 4 times, what else could I have done?  I implement my grand vision. I want to take the world over one nudist at a time!

So, he came home from Kuwait and we went to Beaufort, SC. We rented a house in St Helena. Located on the most serene, private part of the marsh, how could I resist? We both just woke up. The kids were fixing breakfast when I did it. I dared him to run around the house (outside) naked!  He gave me that “your crazy ” look. He hemmed and hawed. All the while, I egged him on. I mean I lived with this man for 14 years. I know what buttons to push!  The next thing I know, all three children were racing around and around the house; butt-naked.  After that first day, it became a daily activity after breakfast. The Shearin Streakers were born!  My children even tried to see who could run the most laps around the house!  Crazy, I know!

So what is the purpose of the story? Why expose the Shearin Secret Society?

These past few months, I have been evaluating my relationships. Many thing ran through my head just like a ticker.  Was I being the best friend I could be for each of my friends?  Was I honest in a loving way, a manner worthy of Him? Did I owe some friends an apology for some hurt feelings?  Did I need to better  myself in any way?  As I rolled these questions around in my brain, I kept coming back to two words; vulnerability and transparency.   How did these words play into my friendships………Was I vulnerable enough and transparent enough  with my friends, in  manner Heavenly Father would find worthy? I prayed and realized I needed to grow a bit more. I realized I was not.

Heavenly Father expects us to be our most honest and most transparent selves with our family and friends. He expects this in all of our relationships.  He wants us to lean on Him for direction, and comfort, but He requires we be active participants in all of our relationships. We grow  from every interaction within these relationships too.  We learn what personalities we can handle in our lives, while we figure out our strengths and weaknesses.  We learn our boundaries through a foundation of HIM.  We bring glory to Him when we are not only transparent with HIM in our prayers, but in our relationships with others.  Of course, we will run into some problems. We are humans and deal with humans.  Nobody said it would be easy to be vulnerable or transparent. In order to be Light in the darkness, we need to expose our selves. We need to open up our hearts to others and become vulnerable.  In order for the Light to emanate from us, we need to be transparent, just like all of us running around naked in Beaufort, SC.   Mind you, I am not encouraging you run around naked at this point in your neighborhood. I am just asking you to consider stepping outside your comfort zone with Heavenly Father at the Helm. Allow yourself to vulnerable and transparent in your relationships. He will do amazing things with you, I promise!

blessings,

m





Honoring thy mother and father…….

12 08 2011

For those of you that do not know, this is one of the 10 commandments.  On the surface, it would appear like a very simple act of love. We all have a mother and a father. Some of us have fond memories of our parents reading to us, praying with us, teaching us our roles in our family and loving us with all their heart. We have memories of fun times traveling and happy times of hugs and kisses.  We all love our parents to some degree.  What do you do though when the two people that raised you, abused you physically and emotionally?  How do you Honor them?  What does honoring them look like? Are there limits to honoring them, loving them and respecting them?

My children and I spent the last 4 weeks with my mother.  Drama aside, we had some very good times. At what cost though? I knew it would be a difficult trip. This is why I had a migraine on the day we were leaving. 18 years of therapy, forgiveness and the strength of Him were all the tools I needed to succeed. Unfortunately it has taken the last 4 weeks to get to a point of how to honor my feelings for my mother and father while honoring their role in my children’s lives.

My fathers role is very simple. He has no part of my children’s lives.  He refuses to talk to me, since I turned him into the high school counselor back in 1987 for child abuse.   Yes, I turned his ass in. Couple this with my turning him into the IRS. He is still very angry. He claimed me as an exemption when he gave no support at all. I could not get into college unless I had proven I was not his dependent.  $10,000  and 2 years later my mother finally forgave me and we were “friends”  again for some time.  It was to end rather quickly though when I found out the man I had been calling father was really my step father. I went to the social security administration to get a copy of my birth certificate. It was there I learn that I was adopted. So the man, who abused me for many years, was not my real father. I headed into therapy.  I had too, as I married and divorced a man that was just like my step father. His influence needed to stop.  There is no doubt in my mind that John M. Neff will never have a role in my children’s  lives. But what about my mother?

For the next few years, my conversations with my her were stressful to say the least. Whenever we did talk , I was always so angry with her. I never understood why, until recently.  I spent many years in therapy dealing with the physical and emotional abuse from John. The first year, I cried every visit for 52 weeks. After realizing how much of that relationship with him was not my fault,  I moved onto to my mother. I realized how much her silence during the abuse hurt emotionally and physically. I realized how betrayed I felt for her taking 5 years to tell him to stop.  Reliving all those emotions caused some really bad migraines. Reliving all those emotions  was devastating.  My relationships with all my friends were so unhealthy too.  I had no idea how to allow someone near my true heart. I had no idea how to have a healthy discussion. I had no idea how to even have a healthy relationship with a man. I took everything so personal. I walked every day in my body as a victim. Therapy helped rewire all the lessons learned in that home.   I needed to learn how to function as a healthy adult. If I was to have children, they needed the best of me.  None of that was easy. I had to learn to forgive my mother and father for what they did. But I never  did forgot.

The trip with my mother was so stressful.  I had  grown so much from that hurt little girl. Each year we went home to visit, I could see how damaged she was and how this affected my personality and our relationship.   She does not like to ruminate over the past. She refuses to acknowledge how her  own childhood affects her as a adult. She refuses to acknowledge how she was victim in the house as well.

She was the product of 9 children. Her mother was a Madame in their home town until she was run out. My grandpa left my mom, my aunt and my grandma with nothing. My grandma went to work.  Before going to a permanent foster home, my mother raised  my aunt and a half brother, who was black.  The straw on the proverbial back of the town was drawn when my grandma became pregnant again with another baby. This man had 4 other children. My grandmother gave both my uncles up for adoption. A mixed family adopted one boy and the  father of my uncle raised him as his own with his current family.  When grandma Celeste was finally run out, she fled to NY. Eventually sh married a Hispanic man, feel in love and gave him 5 children.

All this information was given to me upon the death of my Aunt Vicki. I met my real family for the first time 5 years ago. I never saw such a collage of people in one room, black, white and Hispanic; so many people paying their respects to my aunt. My Aunt Vicki was a strong woman. She kept in touch with everyone.  She valued family since she never really had a great one. I was overwhelmed to say the least. The tears flowed and emotions were high that day. I was finally home.

Given my mothers history, you would think I would be more understanding of her inability to have healthy relationships. Unfortunately, I answer to a higher power. I will be held accountable by Heavenly Father if I abuse my children or subject them to unhealthy relationships. People are not perfect, but my children do not need to see her and I disrespect each other.  I worked really hard to become the mom I am today. I have made some mistakes along the way as well. I am certain I will make more in the future.  But I will never allow my children to see me as angry as I was with her again. The constant lack of support. Her inability to discern my needs from my children needs. Being  told I am selfish due to  children’s  needs conflicting with hers.  Having them hear the hurtful things we both said to each other. I will not do that again.

My last conversation with her was not pleasant. I asked her to take some ownership in our relationship and get into therapy. I asked her to do this for us, so we could have a healthier relationship.  Her reply, “I don’t have to prove anything to you Michele. This is a power struggle and I will not do this with you.”  The tears have not stopped for the last three weeks. I can’t make her do anything. But, I am not going to continue and toxic unhealthy relationship with her. I am deeply hurt. I told her we would not be visiting anymore and she was not welcome to come here. I love her but I can’t make her do the right thing.

She called me the other day, I answered and asked her not to call me anymore.  I told her, she was welcome to call Jeff and talk to the kids on the phone with him, but I did not want to talk to her anymore. She hung up. It hurt to say that.  It felt good to find my voice, though.  It felt good to finally acknowledge the victim inside me . She will always walk with me, but she is not in control anymore. She is much stronger, more loving and much more respectful of her family and friends.  She desires a healthy life and lots of love.  She deserves happiness, and a good man to share her life with.   She seizes the day and lives in the moment. Her past does not dictate her future.  I wish this for my mother. I wish my mom had the strength to  choose this path as well. I wish she loved me enough to take this step. More importantly, I wished she loved herself enough to try.  This is what honoring myself and honoring my mother and father looks like to me…





Courage, Faith and Love.

16 04 2011

This week has been a rough week to say the least. The emotions experienced these past few days have left me undeniably raw. The surprise and elation from the current pregnancy were immensely gratifying. We were finally on our way to baby number 4. Finally on our way to ending this chapter of our lives. To fill our house with 4 beautiful children was underway.  No more diapers after this baby. How could anyone ask for more?

It seems that this one is not to be. It seems after so many attempts, we have experienced another fatal blow. This wonderful surprise baby is endangering both of our lives. Instead of the placenta attaching to the uterine wall, it is attached to both my bladder and the scar tissue from previous births.  The placenta has become  like a cancer cell; growing out of control. By  the grace of God,  if we make it to 34 weeks without hemorrhaging, I would face a hysterectomy and the baby would be fighting for its life. The decision was not hard to make. I knew it instantly. We have to terminate the pregnancy. I wish to see my daughter walk down the isle with her father; this is my kudos moment as my father was not in my life. I wish to meet the future women that will be the focus of my boys love;To see the grandchildren that come about.

Each one of our children is a blessing. I know this. 2 miscarriages before Shane, I learned I have low progesterone. Larkin was a set of twins. Following him was another set of twins that were ectopic. It was after the first chemo shot we realized that I had a viable pregnancy as well. I needed another chemo shot to clear out the ectopic. Once my system was stable, we tried again. 2 more losses were experienced. We rested.

After a few months we were surprised to encounter another baby. Life was good. We were enjoying our two boys and felt as though the timing was right. Sept 10 ,2008 I went into my ultrasound and saw no heart beat. By this time, I was a pro at reading Ultrasounds. Words could not describe the disappointment.  The entire office heard my sobbing. It was uncontrollable.  6 months in the womb and the cord silenced this innocents heartbeat. The snap of a fingers and life stopped. Jeff was on his way  to Iraq for his third deployment with a 6 week extension. I was left to pick up the pieces by myself. Would this pain ever end?

9 months into a 15 month deployment, he came home and unknown to all we became pregnant with Darbylynne. Brendan’s death served a greater purpose. We learned I had a blood clotting disorder. Darby would not have made it without this knowledge. Progesterone shots once a week and Levonox shots twice a day in the stomach. It was the best pregnancy so far.  A few months after Darby’s birth we became pregnant again, only to miscarry.  Our house and it’s foundation were the cause of this.Tthe stress of this situation took its toll. It read like and American Express commercial. Brand new home:167k. Cost of Foundation:30k. The knowledge the builder cut corners:priceless.

At this point, I was having issues with my cycle. The words endometiosis came up. A frank discussion with my doc as to my age, and number of C-sections and how it could affect my body and quite possibly another birth. I was not ready to call it quits. I was going to get on the pill and just wait till graduate school was done. Give the ole body a rest. But then a surprise! Another baby on the way!

Many people have commented over the years on  why we do not call it quits. Most of the comments come from loved ones and family. How do you make someone understand what you just know in your heart to be true? God gives us each gifts. He has blessed me with several, one of which is the discernment. I dreamed of my hubby growing up. I dreamed of Jeff for almost 2 years. When I met him, the rockets went off and I knew I was home. There are other examples but too many to list.  I saw each child before they were born in a dream. As He formed them, he honored me with His grace and love by sharing them to me. Amazing! Humbling. Awe inspiring.

How do you deal with the hurt? One day at a time. How do you keep going? With His grace. Why don’t you just stop? Because He has not lead me there. Plain and simple. Yet sometimes the most simple things can barely be grasped. It hurt to feel each disappointment. It hurt more, to see the looks in the eyes of loved ones.  They pitied me. They did not understand why I was fighting what appeared and up hill battle without His support.

The surgery is Monday 7am. I do not know what is going to happen. I am scared. For the first time, my world has been knocked off its axis.I am afraid that the worst will happen. I will loose my uterus. This would be the final answer. This would be His doing.  If this were to happen would I choose to walk away from Him? No. Fervently NO! If this were to happen, I would feel a sense of loss. I would feel a shortage in our family.

If I do not loose my uterus will I try again? For the first time, I do not know. I am almost 41. I am in graduate school. I really feel and empty chair at our table. I feel an empty place in our family.I want another, but I am not going to close that door just yet. Am I crazy? Maybe. Sometimes you have to be a little crazy and bit tenacious. We must hold to our dreams and our promises from Him.

Do we adopt? I am not sure, given our age we may not  be allowed.

Do we look for a surrogate? Doors may be provided. So many people do not have any children so I am not sure I would feel right even asking.

What do we do now? We take it one day at a time. We leave it to Him.

Courage is doing what is right no matter what. Faith is knowing He will provide us what we need.  Love is what binds us to Him and to our family. I am going to love my family one day at a time. I am going to remain in Faith that he will provide our forth family member. I am going to have the courage to accept what is right for my body.

Walk in the light….

missy