Know thyself…..

” The unexamined life is not worth living” Socrates

No question here, for those that follow Heavenly Father, He is a distinct individual. His distinctiveness is shown throughout the whole bible in the form of what he abhors (sin) and what he finds good (love). He sets himself apart from us through his distinctiveness. As we become closer to him, though prayer and time with His Holy Spirit, we develop our own distinctiveness but with His worldview.

The defining of himself, is how he sets boundaries.  He is the example. As we walk this journey with him, we learn through Him the importance of defining our own distinctiveness.

Distinctiveness. Boundaries. Knowing thyself.

So what do I really know about me?  What have I taken the time to ponder and reflect on about me?

Have I engaged myself and examined my behavior? Do we as individuals take the time to do this any more?

Ponder. Contemplate. Think……

At this point in my life, I learned a few things.

I place a high value on communication in my relationships.

For years, my thoughts and ideas were synonymous with my parents.  In order to survive my house, they had to be. I had no idea of  “self” but through them. Research shows that children of abusive parents barely have any idea what boundaries are because those parents never knew them or taught them.  Those same children have a hard time also expressing an independent thought. Experiencing a double edge sword; they have no idea how to positively, effectively communicate in the midst of being unable to set up their own boundaries.

Through recent experiences, I learned people who have a difficult time communicating and placing the art of  it on a low list of  priorities are not people I wish to engage.  Harsh. Yes. But, relationships are built and strengthened with shared experiences. Just like our relationship with Him is through prayer and shared Holy moments. The Holy Spirit does not live in church alone. He is everywhere.  Taking the time to dwell with our friends bonds us together whether it is positive or negative. We need people to walk the trenches with us. We need others to teach us. How else do we see Heavenly Father? Communication goes a long way in creating boundaries and setting limits. Communication teaches us. Molds us. Defines us. Gives us Distinction.

Conflict avoidance is not a part of my genetic makeup.

This goes hand in hand with communication. People have come and gone in my life who avoid their responsibility in conflict resolution.  It is a part of my genetic markup to resolve conflict. Ask Heavenly Father. It is in His book!

Conflict is a part of every day life. We are all different and will inevitably have conflict that needs resolving. Avoiding it, hurts all parties involved and goes against the very nature of Heavenly Father.  It is His wish and desire that we embrace our differences, get in the trenches and work out our conflicts. We do have them  even with Him!!!

Have you ever prayed in earnest for something and heard, “No.” ?

 

Heavenly Father gave us a plan  for conflict resolution (MATT 18:15-20).  As we been a knee and pray each day, we are expected to take the time to discuss (with Love and Truth) any concerns we have with our brother or sister in Christ. Typically those that avoid conflict in one area of their lives, avoid it in all areas.

Sit back and observe those that do……

You can see conflict avoidance in the parent /child relationship, with their spouse and in their work environment. Not in my house. Not with my spouse. Not with my children. Not with my family.

This is another boundary for our family and my friendships. If we befriend someone who has a hard time telling their children no, we will not continue that friendship. “No”, sets limits. Heavenly Father sets limits. MATT 5:37 states,”Let your Yes be Yes and let your No be No; Anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Set limits. Say No.  

Honest Vulnerability entangled in Loving truth.

Honesty. Vulnerability. Loving Truth. Each one has its own distinctive quality. Honesty is synonymous with morality, integrity and righteousness. Heavenly Father loves us and allows us the opportunity to repent of our sins and seek forgiveness. He allows others the same. He is honest with us as we embrace His Holy Spirit. He honestly deals with our transgressions whether we are ready to hear it or not. Is this not what friendships should do too?

Vulnerability refers to a child like faith. It says, ” I will allow you to hurt me, to show you His light.” Take a leap of faith with someone.

Loving Truth gives us the tool to say. ” I love you but this behavior is not acceptable for our family/ for our friendship/ for my work environment.”  Be loving in your truth,  no matter what it entails.  Be receptive to the words from Him whether from him or through others. Be willing to teach and  to be will to be taught. This is the foundation for boundaries.

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Define yourself though His Spirit and Word.  Take a leap of faith.  Learn about you, through Him. Allow others to help you learn. Be receptive. 

Know thyself…...

These are things I have learned about me. The execution is not always glamorous, but growth inevitably occurs.

What have you learned about you?

Blessings,

~m

 

 

Womb Woes

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe….

3 beautiful children.

Shane, Larkin and Darbylynne are gifts from my Heavenly Father for me to nurture and love.

Then why am I so determined to have another baby? Why can’t I be at peace where I am? What gives…

We recently discovered we are pregnant again. Not even 24 hours into this beautiful moment and I am spotting.  Last fall we miscarried twins.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe……

Admittedly, with each failed pregnancy a little bit of my hope dies… I feel a loss and sadness words just can’t adequately express. So why do I keep pressing on?

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe….

I stopped praying for anymore children this past year. After 14 failed pregnancies including and ectopic pregnancy, stillborn and some other freak anomalies…I just stopped. I think the reason was two-fold. One, the look on my doctors face. It was a look I had never seen before. I look of pity, sadness and bewilderment.  Two, I just don’t know the next step; uncomfortably numb would be the perfect label of my current status.

My doctor was always in my corner. Until last year. It hurt to see her face as I walked away.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe…..

My soul aches for another.  My husband and I feel incomplete. My friend Lori, who is the epitome of wisdom in times like these, reminded me that this is my journey and I need to walk it which ever way it lays out.   She is truly a gem that Lori. Always supportive and never critical.  I just wish I understood why my journey has to look like this. I wish I understood the soul aching drive to not give up. Why on earth would  I elect to keep on going? Am I stubborn? Hard headed? Well, yes, have you not spent any time with me? But I suspect there is more here than that…..is this a test of faith?

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe…

I wish I could  just say, “I’m done” and that be it!  But I can’t. Both my husband and I have tried to elect surgery and each time we receive and resounding, “No!” .

I spotted with my daughter Darbylynne. I had a cycle for two months. I was a bit overwhelmed and shocked I even became pregnant with her after losing my son Brendan.  He was stillborn at 7 months. We did conceive again though midterm through my hubbys deployment. She transformed our marriage and our family. Transformed it into His family. His Light in the darkness.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe…..

I suspected something was up this last week. Heartburn, tiredness beyond compare. You know,  the tiredness that shuts you down immediately.  Lights out before bed time!  Of course my chest was sore too and then there was my cat Mae Mae. She loves my belly when I am pregnant. Her claim was the final tip that sunk the iceberg. I took three tests. The last one was positive.

So instead of hiding the news, I told some of our friends.  I asked them for prayer too. We need prayer. Too many losses; for us not to ask would be a travesty.  We also decided to tell the kids again.

So often I have heard from friends to wait. We believe we need to celebrate the life inside us each and every time. We shortchange its value in our family, if we don’t tell them.

Hope… this is what it is about. Prayer begets hope and hope is a waxing right now. Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe?

The only difference between now and the other times is I am talking to the baby. Telling to it about its brothers and sister. Corny. Definitely. Time is precious though. There is worry in my heart over whether or not this one will make it. I don’t want that to be the only feelings it gets from me.

So to combat worry, I talk to the baby.  At the very least, the baby will feel the love we have for him or her.   They will know that Shane would love to have read and snuggle with him or her.  Making him or her aware of how much Larkin can’t wait to wrestle and play cars and take them on a bike ride warms my heart.   Letting them know how Darby eagerly awaits to practice her mommy skills on them too, just brings me joy. It is all I have right now. Other than prayer.

So we will celebrate the life inside and the lives we are committed to today.

Lord won’t you help me believe what I believe… this is my prayer for today. 

Blessings,

~m

 

Mindfully spending time…

 

Recently our family ticker has focused on the theme of mindful parenting. For myself, it started a year ago with Heavenly Fathers insistence I become more mindful of who and what I spend my time on. For those of you who are unaware, homeschooling is not all about eating bons-bons throughout the day.  It can be a logistical nightmare if you do not learn how to effectively juggle.  You learn, and I might add very quickly, to juggle housework, schooling, spouse time, and the ever important personal  time to prohibit crazy mom syndrome from appearing,  all while juggling activities for  each childs’ individual needs.  It is not an easy feat.  Through this process, I became extremely  mindful about what we did as a family and as a school.   These lessons came crashing down pretty hard on my hubby all at once when Larkin needed him the other night.

Homeschooling is still new to him as he was on his 4th deployment when we experienced our first year. He missed so many things. During this past week off work, our son Larkin, who is shown in the above picture, broke out into another rash.  So often I submit my tired body to the cause of motherhood and whenever nurturing is needed, I jump in head first. Natural instincts kick in during times of stress. This time was different. My son requested his father’s presence until the medicine kicked in for the hives. He wanted Jeff to sleep with him and snuggle with him. This was new territory for both of us.

My hubby and I were never ones for co-sleeping with our children. I changed when we had Darbylynne.  It went into over drive when Jeff deployed.   I needed her with me because I missed him immensely. She was still small and I was lonely.  Additionally, the kids and I started weekly slumber parties.  Sometimes we would read or play games. Sometimes we would invent stories and often times we would pray together.   Now we are constantly asked if they can sleep with us. We even take turns snuggling with them and sleeping with them  in our bed or theirs.

After Jeff and Larkin’s boys night,  my hubby realized  how much the boys needed him. He felt it in his heart.  Keep in mind, I have been praying for this realization for Jeff for two years. I have told him repeatedly how much they need him.  He never felt it until now. It never really sunk in how much they loved him and looked up to him until Larkin expressed a need to be with him.  Over the last few days and series of conversations, this realization has evolved into the idea that what we give our children and what they need are two very different things. Sound familiar?

Three years ago we were paying for the best local private school in the area. I was volunteering and doing all the right things for our children; things that we perceived they needed in order to be successful in this world. The one thing we were not doing though, was spending quality time with them. Rushing from activity to activity was keeping us busy, and we were not mindful of what they really needed, which was our time.  By our actions we were telling our children that the things we do were more important than time we spent with them. Homeschooling forced us to be more mindful of whom we associated with; it forced us to examine what morals we wanted installed in their character. It forced us to reexamine every aspect of our parenting. Character become one of two focal points in our homeschooling education program; mindfulness of Heavenly Father was the other.

We are asked to spend time with Heavenly Father daily and weekly in prayer. We are asked to cultivate a relationship with him. Relationships take effort and time.  Doing things for our children is not the same as spending time with them.  It is in spending time with them, we learn about their personalities and we are able to guide them through their lives. Children need guidance from their parents. They need to be shown how to be Christian men and women in a fallen world and that takes effort and mindfulness on the parents part.

So many parents do the right things and forget to spend time. Society suffers because of this. Prison population is on the rise. Gang membership is on the rise. Teen pregnancy is on the rise as well.   So many parents do not have balance within their own lives to even notice the children they have given birth too. They are too worried about paying the bills and doing their job to even realize the gems they have right in front of them. They leave it to the schools, the neighborhood and the church to raise their children. Trickle down economics does not equate with raising children.

I am not boasting that our family way is the best way to accomplish mindful parenting and I certainly not saying that our way is the correct way. But what I want to challenge you to consider  are you spending enough down time outside TV, play dates, schoolwork, doctors appointments, activities and life in general with your children?  My husband had a great father, but he has no memories of spending quality time with him. He has no memories of sharing intimate thoughts or emotions with him either. He was expected to understand what manhood is without intimate guidance from his father, as was I when it came to motherhood.

I do not want this for my children. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I do not know them intimately, know their quirks, their fears or even what makes them laugh. Heavenly Father expects us to be transparent in our relationship with him as well as intimate too. You can’t be intimate with your children if you do not spend time with them, just like you can’t be intimate with Heavenly Father if you do not make time for Him either.

I really close friend of mine is about to lose  her father in law. In talking  with her yesterday and sharing her story with my hubby, all three of us came to some pretty deep conclusions. Our hearts ache for this situation.  This  man, who will be leaving  this world, knew  he fell short with his children. He was given the gift of more time with a  dilapidating disease.  He did nothing with it though. He never moved into a more intimate relationship with either of his sons.  So as his sons go to see him off, he leaves this world knowing he failed them and this causes baggage. Baggage that could potentially keep him from a beautiful life with Heavenly Father; his soul is in pain when it should be a beautiful time to rejoice. My soul grieves for all the loved ones involved here. I am not sure about you, but when I go see my Heavenly Father I would prefer to not leave behind any unfinished business.

My prayer for you today is you become more mindful of your time and who you are spending it with. I pray you find balance in your own life not only as a parent but also with your spouse.  I pray you are more mindful with how you spend time with your children. Lastly,  I pray they become the focus of your life after Heavenly Father.

Be at peace,

~m

 

Raising a Modern Day Knight, By Robert Lewis

My husband created a contract for our two boys last year when he arrived home from his 4th deployment. The content of this book inspired him to “raise the bar” on character education in our home. One of the things I learned my first year of homeschooling is how important character education is in the development of our children. The mastery of any subject,  which is not limited to math and science, will come. A person’s character will determine their success.  It also determines what type of contributing member they will be in our society. How armed do you wish your children to be?  Each child moves at their own pace both spiritually and academically. But when character issues rear their ugly head,which of course they always do,  they need to be addressed immediately and many times over and over again throughout  the course of their lifetime.

The contract he created reads as follows:

Strength and Honor:
Strength: In mind and Body and Spirit.
~Mind– through school, reading, studying; be a life long learner.
~Body – through exercise, eating healthy, hard work, fun, rest; maintain a healthy balance
~Spirit –through prayer, church, Bible Study, fellowship; seek God always

Honor: God, Others, and Yourself.
~God – Love Him, Respect Him, stay close to Him, let others see His love through you.
~Others- Respect (give it /expect it), be honest, show kindness and mercy, love one another
~Yourself– Be confident, speak and act boldly; be responsible for your actions; hold fast to your integrity

For the next few weeks, I am going to prayerfully discuss each sub topic. Despite my limited knowledge of the Bible, I know we will learn something with each new blog together. I allowing Heavenly Father to work out the details. He does it so much better than I do.  I hope you will join me on this journey. My only question I have for you dear reader is which one should I start with first, Strength or Honor? Thanks for your input.

Blessings,

~m

Something to call your own.

Balance. 

A Time for Everything

 ECC 3:3

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens

We often times forget that we as mothers need something to call our own. For the past few months, I have fought having something of my own. Even though I felt Heavenly Father calling me  to get up early and start working out and spend some time with Him I ignored it.  I struggled last year with moving my family into homeschooling. My hubby deployed and from day one it was a battle. Not only with my children, which I expected, but with all the other outside influences that come when my hubby deploys.  Here I was following Heavenly Father’s call to witness to my own children and I was miserable. Not because of that act of homeschooling, but all  the  outside stuff  that worked into our every day lives and kept me from being the best teacher I could be in our school. Never mind a calling to run and spend time with Him.

This past weekend I had the pleasure and honor of participating in the Disney 10K Princess Run. I went with a group of beautiful God-filled women. In addition to that, we spent our family vacation at Disney. This was the 2nd time we went as a family.   Amazing does not quite cover the feelings and emotions associated with this run and our trip. Almost 9,000  men and women participated in this event. Eight thousand participants were women!  Sit and ponder that amount of people!

I honestly did not want to do it. I tried getting into shape, but it was a daily struggle. After a deployment you also have an adjustment period when your spouse comes home. My hubby was amazed at how much our family structure changed with homeschooling. We were closer. We were not watching TV and we were a reading family.  Couple that with my hubby reaffirming his relationship with Heavenly Father and we were two very different people when he arrived home. We are still adjusting and at times we are not doing it well.  But we have Heavenly Father guiding us; this has been our saving grace.

Ever had a time in your life when the act of getting out of bed was a gift?  That was how the last year went; lawsuits, loss of friendships, homeschooling, deployment, the end of my volunteering, the end of my schooling, and a host of other really big issues.. I was exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. If there was a problem, I ran into it during my husband’s absence. I was pushed to my limits. I did not know then, I was that strong of a person. But  I needed to be humbled.

Fast forward: a week before the run.

I could not get into regular running. I was only up to 4 miles at a time and spinning 3 times a week. I was freaking out. But the Running Princesses came in strong. They prayed for me. They even supported me during the run! They surrounded me with His love and theirs. So off I was to Disney with my family.

Fast forward :the morning of the run.

The fireworks went off and we started. I was in the last group. The very last group of 9000 people! For the first few minutes it took a lot to navigate the crowd. I eventually stepped off the pavement and just ran on the grass. I had to, if I ever wanted to pass anyone.  I closed  my eyes right as I  started. Silently, I asked for His wings to carry me. Up to this point, I had only trained for 6 weeks. Every time I tried to get further than 4 miles, I felt mentally defeated. Physically, I felt every year of my 43 years when I trained.  I never started running at my weight. I always waited until I was under 200 lbs.

I purchased a new iPod for the run and even created a playlist the night before. But that did not matter. I was not meant to listen to any music this time. I lost my ear buds  in the crowd.  Talk about a bummer! Initially, I was a bit upset by this. But as I took one step in front of the other, I realized I needed to be in the moment. I needed the mindfulness of what I was attempting to accomplish right then and there.  I felt every breath in my chest, and heard the rocks crunch under my feet. The people around me just disappeared.  I was alone in my head. Something that had not happened for 18 months! Immediately I felt a surge of energy . His wings lifted me up. I felt like I was the frog in a game of Frogger and my Heavenly Father was moving me! The energy was invigorating. Just run. Just keep running. Don’t look back and keep focused on the goal at hand–to finish! Finish I did. I cried like a baby. I had an asthma attack. Something that  has not happened in 5 years!

After the run, I started thinking about the whole experience.  We live in a fallen world. It is the property of Heavenly Father; perverted in some ways by the other side. So many people do not have a relationship with Heavenly Father. They do not know the good news at all. My heart weeps at this thought. Some symbolism started to appear in relation to my run.  The cement course, which was hard, tough and grueling, reminded me so much of our lives without Heavenly Father. I never did it well when I was without Him. Ever. Don’t get me wrong, we have some humdinger of moments with Him on our journey too, but cement road is toughest surface and the worst surface to run on. Runners prefer to avoid it.  Life is so much harder without Heavenly Father too.  We just can’t do it as well as He would.   We try to and usually fail miserably. I looked for a softer surface ; just like I chose to walk my journey on this earth with Heavenly Father. I needed to save my feet from blisters. I all ready had two. So I ran on the grass. The grass , which is a softer surface compared to that of cement, symbolized my journey with Heavenly Father. Sure I had to avoid the potholes. There were quite a few just like He promised we would shave some challenging times. I mean seriously how many of His disciples died for their beliefs?  But the surface gave some leeway as I ran. Just like He guides us when we allow Him too.

Steeping off the cement path, symbolized running with Heavenly Father. When we are called to walk with Him, we often face trials without support from this earthly realm.  I still had to navigate; I still had to choose which path to move forward.  But I was not alone. He was with me. There were even  times He took over. Towards the end of the run, I could only think about the focus on my pain. My body hurt and I was exhausted. He led my feet one stride at a  time.  Like in life, sometimes you just can’t avoid tougher surfaces.  Some times we have to muddle through it.  We have things we must navigate whether they are good or bad.

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

The run in its entirety symbolized a mental and physical challenge. It was the culmination of a year and half worth of struggles for myself and my family.  I was not about to give up. After all, I had Heavenly Fathers back! But so often in the crux of great strife we forget about balance. We forget about honoring Him and also honoring ourselves. Our bodies our temples. They are the only bodies we have in this life. We should take care of them.   I love being a mother. I love being a teacher, but what I missed most of all is doing something that is just for myself.

So often we forget that we have desires and hopes too. It is easy to get caught up and even lost in motherhood. It is a consuming job. Whether you work or stay at home, you need to learn to balance the many hats stored in your closet. I was not balancing my needs very well. I was not balancing my time with Heavenly Father either.  This run exemplified the importance of my needs in the equation of success for my family and my walk with Heavenly Father. How are you balancing your needs? How you honoring His Glory in your walk?

~m

Beautiful relationships….

It has been a long battle. I fought it with my mother; fought her unwillingness to reach out and touch me when it mattered the most. Then  I fought it within my own heart. The willingness to serve my daughter in a manner in which I was not served by my very own mother.  Today was the day, the day I  broke free from my anxiety. Today was the day my heart soared for the beautiful possibilities that lay  ahead  for both my daughter and I.  We have the potential to soar and be closer than I ever was with my own mother.  We have the opportunity through homeschooling to accomplish a level of closeness and intimacy that I could only pine for with my own mother for many many years. For the past year, I have agonized and prayed over when to home school my daughter. Why? Because I learned slowly that homeschooling a child, let alone three is not for the faint hearted. When you home school, you never have a moment alone and your life is not your own anymore. When you home school you change every aspect of how you run your family. This can be so overwhelming for anyone, but add another layer of not understanding how to be a loving, caring mother and good intentions will not be enough to get anyone through the challenges of homeschooling.  I never had an example of what that should look like; how to be loving, caring and unselfish.  We learn by our examples. I never experienced it. I had a deficit going into motherhood. I knew what I experienced as a child was pretty messed up.  I desired to be better. I knew I never really understood or enjoyed my moms company. I  never really spent any quality time with her either. Quality time for her was in front of the TV or playing by myself. The real meaning of motherhood was lost on me.

Grace, forgiveness and hope are the new parameters of  my mother and I’s relationship. Forgiveness for all “those transgressions” I encountered while under the care of her and my step father. Grace to see her for child of Heavenly Father  and accept her for where she is at spiritually as well as emotionally; a hurt being from a long list of painful ugly relationships. Hope that even if she does not think she is worthy of His love, she is and will know it someday. Hope that she  too will feel the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father through the relationships of her loved ones and friends.

Beautiful possibilities…

This past holiday season I observed two sweet and long time friends loose their mothers. Ironically, they were both stricken with breast cancer. Their tenacity and drive to outlive their diagnosis did not go unnoticed.  They lived life large and in a manner that glorified Heavenly Father. Their love also knew no bounds.

Rene moved mountains to care for her mother. Lisa drove miles to ensure care was received. Healing occurred for both women. Time seemed to move slowly and death was at bay. But time only alludes us of deaths presence.  When Reetha and Sarah did move on, each of their daughters took an immense amount of comfort in knowing that their mothers walked with Heavenly Father once their bodies gave out. Each of my friends knew that they would see their mothers when their time was oncoming.  My friend Heather, in all her graciousness, provided  a wonderful example of how the hope of daughter could actually save a mother. Heather came into my life with a bang and a blessing months before these beautiful women passed. She shared her story with me and it moved me………

Forgiveness heals. Forgiveness gets rid of the spiritual cancer in the victims heart.

I have not talked to my mother for two and half years.  I had to walk away because of the toxicity her and I created in our relationship. It is unhealthy to say the least. Until I could forgive her and move on, it was truly hopeless. But with Him, all things are possibly. With him the mountains crumbled and I learned to forgive.

What struck my heart so boldly the other day was how much I ached for my mothers salvation. After hearing both Lisa and Rene talk about their mothers salvations I hurt for my mother. How much I felt a desire to share my fears with her of her salvation, or lack thereof. If I were a betting woman, I would bet that she still does not know our Heavenly Father at all. My step father ruined her. He trampled on her heart, the little bit that was left after a life of pain from growing up in  foster home after foster home was gone. Being the child of a madam in a whore house did nothing to help her self esteem either. Having a drunk for a father was another important relationship that shaped all successive relationships from then on in her life.

I never really looked at my mother. I never saw her for the hurt being she had become.

Then I forgave her.

I see her now. I see her in my daughter; my beautiful baby girl within whom I have been given beautiful possibilities to forge a strong relationship based on a  foundation of love.

I am not my mother.  I am a child of the one true King. I am daughter of Lord God Jehovah,  who has been given me an opportunity to love a little girl in a manner worthy of a child of Jesus. I am given the opportunity to reach out and love a child in a manner that I was never loved. How my heart soars! How my Heart celebrates in this joy!

I never thought I was capable of loving her so much. I never knew loving her would redefine my character. I never knew loving her and my sons would save me!  I never knew that loving her would finally show  my heart that there is hope for my mother and I.

Oh how my heart fills with joy in the possibilities of both of these relationships! How freeing it is to know that I am not like her! How awesome it is that I may not know how to be a loving parent, but my Heavenly Father has imbued within my heart the tools necessary to do so. I just need to walk with Him on this journey. I just need to take a chance and reach for her hand.

When I see my daughter,  I do not see a little me anymore. I see a smaller version of my mother waiting for me to love her wholly and without reservation.

Lisa and Rene, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart grieves on a level I can’t adequately describe in words for the two of you. I am so grateful you were able to experience the true love between a mother and daughter. You honored your mothers and modeled how to love your mother in a manner I have never witnessed. I shed my fear, because of your leadership. I shed my fear because of all four women.

Thank you!

Sarah and Reatha your presence is sorely missed. Thank you for loving your daughters completely and without reservation. You gave me the example I sorely needed.

I will see you when it is my time.

~m

On being a friend….

What is friendship? What does it look like?

I have been pondering these two questions for quiet some time; the last 7 years to be honest. I’ve had friends for a reason or a season. I struggled for many years defining myself within my friendships.  I thought I would be judged a good person by the friendships I kept . If my friends were pretty and smart, well then so was I.  If my friends were rich and funny then I believed I was too.  I see this differently now.   You are defined by the company you keep. Being funny, rich, pretty and smart really do not mean anything. What matters is how you treat one another. How you love one another. Who you are friends with is a reflection of how you love yourself and where you are at in your relationship with Heavenly Father.

Our very first relationship is with our mother and father. Whether it exists or not, these two relationship are practice grounds with others.  As we grow into our family, our relationship with Heavenly Father is the next most  important relationship. If we do not communicate effectively with Heavenly Father or our parents we will never really learn how to treat our friends properly. We may learn what behaviors we can get away with. We may learn what is acceptable or unacceptable but the world can be seen with skewed eyes. Eyes that have really never seen true love or acceptance.  Not from respect for a higher power. The world is seen as a place to Navigate.   Some family’s are not committed to teaching a relationship with HIM, but it is possible to have one and not a prerequisite to be taught by family. Life just becomes sticky until Heavenly Father is found;until a relationship with him is truly sought.

My relationship with Heavenly Father started early on. We never really went to church, but I did go to VBS. It was in VBS I was taught how to have a relationship with I AM. When I was down and out from the verbal assaults I experienced, I prayed. When My body hurt from the physical assaults, I prayed. When I felt alone. I prayed.  This peace that passed in understanding who HE is has always been there. It just took some spiritual growth from me to re-cultivate it and treat it as the precious Gem it deserves. I am so grateful for my family, our preacher and our church home. I am so grateful for a place to safely send my children. Friendship is a blessing from Heavenly Father. When it is nurtured in Lord God Jehovah amazing things happens. People are loved. Children are loved. People are saved.  Through love all things are possible. Through love of Heavenly Father and friendships the world is a much better place. Be careful of the company you keep. Guard your heart. Let Father lead you to friendships based in HIM. Based in Love.

~m

Honoring thy mother and father…….

For those of you that do not know, this is one of the 10 commandments.  On the surface, it would appear like a very simple act of love. We all have a mother and a father. Some of us have fond memories of our parents reading to us, praying with us, teaching us our roles in our family and loving us with all their heart. We have memories of fun times traveling and happy times of hugs and kisses.  We all love our parents to some degree.  What do you do though when the two people that raised you, abused you physically and emotionally?  How do you Honor them?  What does honoring them look like? Are there limits to honoring them, loving them and respecting them?

My children and I spent the last 4 weeks with my mother.  Drama aside, we had some very good times. At what cost though? I knew it would be a difficult trip. This is why I had a migraine on the day we were leaving. 18 years of therapy, forgiveness and the strength of Him were all the tools I needed to succeed. Unfortunately it has taken the last 4 weeks to get to a point of how to honor my feelings for my mother and father while honoring their role in my children’s lives.

My fathers role is very simple. He has no part of my children’s lives.  He refuses to talk to me, since I turned him into the high school counselor back in 1987 for child abuse.   Yes, I turned his ass in. Couple this with my turning him into the IRS. He is still very angry. He claimed me as an exemption when he gave no support at all. I could not get into college unless I had proven I was not his dependent.  $10,000  and 2 years later my mother finally forgave me and we were “friends”  again for some time.  It was to end rather quickly though when I found out the man I had been calling father was really my step father. I went to the social security administration to get a copy of my birth certificate. It was there I learn that I was adopted. So the man, who abused me for many years, was not my real father. I headed into therapy.  I had too, as I married and divorced a man that was just like my step father. His influence needed to stop.  There is no doubt in my mind that John M. Neff will never have a role in my children’s  lives. But what about my mother?

For the next few years, my conversations with my her were stressful to say the least. Whenever we did talk , I was always so angry with her. I never understood why, until recently.  I spent many years in therapy dealing with the physical and emotional abuse from John. The first year, I cried every visit for 52 weeks. After realizing how much of that relationship with him was not my fault,  I moved onto to my mother. I realized how much her silence during the abuse hurt emotionally and physically. I realized how betrayed I felt for her taking 5 years to tell him to stop.  Reliving all those emotions caused some really bad migraines. Reliving all those emotions  was devastating.  My relationships with all my friends were so unhealthy too.  I had no idea how to allow someone near my true heart. I had no idea how to have a healthy discussion. I had no idea how to even have a healthy relationship with a man. I took everything so personal. I walked every day in my body as a victim. Therapy helped rewire all the lessons learned in that home.   I needed to learn how to function as a healthy adult. If I was to have children, they needed the best of me.  None of that was easy. I had to learn to forgive my mother and father for what they did. But I never  did forgot.

The trip with my mother was so stressful.  I had  grown so much from that hurt little girl. Each year we went home to visit, I could see how damaged she was and how this affected my personality and our relationship.   She does not like to ruminate over the past. She refuses to acknowledge how her  own childhood affects her as a adult. She refuses to acknowledge how she was victim in the house as well.

She was the product of 9 children. Her mother was a Madame in their home town until she was run out. My grandpa left my mom, my aunt and my grandma with nothing. My grandma went to work.  Before going to a permanent foster home, my mother raised  my aunt and a half brother, who was black.  The straw on the proverbial back of the town was drawn when my grandma became pregnant again with another baby. This man had 4 other children. My grandmother gave both my uncles up for adoption. A mixed family adopted one boy and the  father of my uncle raised him as his own with his current family.  When grandma Celeste was finally run out, she fled to NY. Eventually sh married a Hispanic man, feel in love and gave him 5 children.

All this information was given to me upon the death of my Aunt Vicki. I met my real family for the first time 5 years ago. I never saw such a collage of people in one room, black, white and Hispanic; so many people paying their respects to my aunt. My Aunt Vicki was a strong woman. She kept in touch with everyone.  She valued family since she never really had a great one. I was overwhelmed to say the least. The tears flowed and emotions were high that day. I was finally home.

Given my mothers history, you would think I would be more understanding of her inability to have healthy relationships. Unfortunately, I answer to a higher power. I will be held accountable by Heavenly Father if I abuse my children or subject them to unhealthy relationships. People are not perfect, but my children do not need to see her and I disrespect each other.  I worked really hard to become the mom I am today. I have made some mistakes along the way as well. I am certain I will make more in the future.  But I will never allow my children to see me as angry as I was with her again. The constant lack of support. Her inability to discern my needs from my children needs. Being  told I am selfish due to  children’s  needs conflicting with hers.  Having them hear the hurtful things we both said to each other. I will not do that again.

My last conversation with her was not pleasant. I asked her to take some ownership in our relationship and get into therapy. I asked her to do this for us, so we could have a healthier relationship.  Her reply, “I don’t have to prove anything to you Michele. This is a power struggle and I will not do this with you.”  The tears have not stopped for the last three weeks. I can’t make her do anything. But, I am not going to continue and toxic unhealthy relationship with her. I am deeply hurt. I told her we would not be visiting anymore and she was not welcome to come here. I love her but I can’t make her do the right thing.

She called me the other day, I answered and asked her not to call me anymore.  I told her, she was welcome to call Jeff and talk to the kids on the phone with him, but I did not want to talk to her anymore. She hung up. It hurt to say that.  It felt good to find my voice, though.  It felt good to finally acknowledge the victim inside me . She will always walk with me, but she is not in control anymore. She is much stronger, more loving and much more respectful of her family and friends.  She desires a healthy life and lots of love.  She deserves happiness, and a good man to share her life with.   She seizes the day and lives in the moment. Her past does not dictate her future.  I wish this for my mother. I wish my mom had the strength to  choose this path as well. I wish she loved me enough to take this step. More importantly, I wished she loved herself enough to try.  This is what honoring myself and honoring my mother and father looks like to me…